It has been months since I last blogged...my reasoning is simple procrastination. It is my worst attribute and so frustrating at times. That's not to say that I haven't been busy - I have...but blogging hasn't been a priority. It could be that if I had concentrated more on blogging, clearing my mind if you will, that it's quite possible that I wouldn't be as stressed. Needless to say, I'm blogging today and I have so much to say.
To say that life is easy is a stretch to say the least. Life is hard dang it! Sometimes I wish I could go back to being 10 years old again when I could go outside and play, climb trees...when my biggest worry was homework and chores. Being an adult not only qualifies you to vote, drink (if you choose to) get married, have kids, etc....and unfortunately sometimes as an adult we are required to make decisions that we don't want to make, but that we know are the best thing for us. This week I had to remove someone from my life for a while. This person is someone I love dearly, someone that means the world to me, but someone who is toxic to me the way that they are right now. Toxic meaning that they aren't good for me, that they often manipulate me or don't always have the best motives. When people are toxic to us it doesn't necessarily mean that they are toxic to others...We all have people in our lives like this. People who can push our buttons, manipulate us...you know those people who are fun to be around but sometimes make us question our choices. This often happens once those people are away from us and we've had a chance to re-evaluate where we are. Well, this happened to me on Monday. I sat back after a couple weeks of being around this person and realized that I compromised myself for this person. I compromised myself and my family several times over the years because I care and am a loyal person. It took me to see this person in a different light to see how much I was being manipulated and to be honest it hurt. I realized that I had to make the difficult decision to remove them from my life until they choose to be accountable for their decisions and grow up. This decision was not taken lightly....it was torture for me. I cried like I haven't cried in a very long time and I after the tears were gone, I realized that I made the right decision. I hope that one day they will see and understand why I have done this and when that day comes I will welcome them back with open arms...but it will be done with proof in actions...not words. Until that day comes I will remain strong and do what is best for me and my family - no matter what.
If by chance you are reading this...I love you and want nothing but the best for you...but you need to grow up. You need to look beyond yourself and see how the choices you have made have effected everyone around you. Once you really become accountable and take those steps in actions to change and make restitution...I will be here.
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I can't even tell you how much I relate to this post! Although the toxic friendship I have had to cut out of my life is toxic for different reasons, it has been one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in a long time. I did this back in June and I am still upset about it. The worst part for me is that this person had already cut me out of her life emotionally and wasn't really all that upset when I told her that we would probably do better as just casual friends instead of trying to still be good friends that we have been for such a long time. I think I would do better if we didn't have a common friend and weren't thrown into awkward social situations that I can't avoid without alienating the common friend whose friendship is one of my most important relationships in my life. She is already in a difficult position because she is very close to both of us and it would not be fair to her to ask her not to invite us to the important things that our happening in her family's life. Recently, at one of these events, I realized that this person doesn't even like me. Even though I am trying so hard to say I don't care and that it is her loss, it's so much easier said than done. Hmmm...writing all of this to you makes me think that maybe I should blog about this myself to help me kind of sort through these difficult decisions and feelings.
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